Ah, concerts. The power of live music, the communion with artists, the feeling of living a unique moment, the "oh oh-oh-oh oh" of the encore, the hunt for setlists, picks, and drumsticks, the showing off on Instagram, and finally the inevitable string of names and dates that borders on a dick-measuring contest whenever this topic comes up among music lovers. Concerts are life. And yet, there are always annoying people trying to ruin your evening!
#10: The Care Bear
Let's say you're at Le Transbordeur in Lyon for a Kooks concert. The average age is 16 years and 3 months, and the venue is packed with lovesick teenage girls. The opening act struggled to be heard – nobody cares, we want The Kooks. Suddenly, the band members appear on stage, and in a gigantic explosion of hormones, the last 100 rows crush the first 5. That's when the high school girl in front of you turns around and, in an exasperated seagull voice, screams in your ears, as she will do for the rest of the concert: "STOP PUSHING!". There's no point trying to reason with her about the presence of 1500 horny teenagers behind you; in her eyes, you are solely responsible and you pay for it immediately.
#9: The Rosbif
He must be on Erasmus in the area and takes the opportunity to frequent concert venues instead of studying. While a painful dialogue is established between the band and the crowd – "Bonsoiwe Gwenoblé" "Yeaaaaah" – he tells a joke that makes the singer laugh, and which, of course, no one else understands. Are you guys okay? We can leave if you want.
No, I'm not jealous.
#8: The Drunkard
He's just there, behind you. He sways dangerously with his eyes closed, only coming alive to drone out the chorus of the song he's just recognized, and to gulp down a few sips of vodka-orange hidden in a fruit compote pouch that his accomplice imprudently hands him. The guy is barely standing by divine intervention and is still getting plastered. How can you not think about the feeling it's going to give you in the neck when it all comes back up? Result: you end up moving away and losing the preferential position you had dearly acquired.
#7: The Hiker
His motto is: never without my Quechua backpack! What he puts in it remains a great mystery; it's certainly not the ideal place to revise his college courses, but oh well, it must reassure him, just in case the guitarist throws his Telecaster into the crowd, he'll have something to put it in. Except that, in his practical selfishness, he hasn't realized that he doesn't have his normal body volume, and there you are rubbing your arms and chest against buckles, straps, and zippers, not to mention that uncomfortable feeling you get from seeing the bag bouncing out of sync on his shoulders during jump sessions.
And, no, front carrying is no more appropriate.
#6: The Brute
What he likes: being close to the stage.
What he doesn't like: waiting around standing and especially far from the bar for the entire first part + intermission like a crazy fan.
His tactic: the Bastareaud-style charge, elbow first, usually midway through the concert.
Consequences for those around him: a messed-up back and a forced landing in the middle of guys hugging with big boots.
#5: The Bodyguard
His girlfriend wanted to see Arcade Fire, "in the pit, it's more authentic." He's annoyed; tonight he would have preferred to watch the two new episodes of Le Bureau des Légendes on Canal, comfortably settled on his freshly assembled IKEA sofa. So, to keep himself busy, he improvises as a bodyguard, like "nobody touches my girl": feet rooted to the ground, legs straight, fists clenched, arms slightly around his sweetheart, and chest puffed out. Nice feeling of hitting an electric pole with every crowd movement, we can't wait for him to meet the Brute. Or the Drunkard.
#4: The Hairy Anne
All other things being equal, men are on average about twelve centimeters taller than women. This puts men's mouths exactly at the height of girls' hair. This scientific introduction only serves to convey the following message: for pity's sake, ladies, TIE UP YOUR HAIR! It's already masochistic enough to stand for 3 hours at 32 people per square meter without adding the sensation of chewing on a ball of wool.
Thank you.
#3: The Talking Magpie
The girl came with her friend Sandra and her buddy Jean-Charles. She's mad at her ex-future-ex Lucas because he blamed her for this and that. The concert started 20 minutes ago when she brings up the problem of dirty laundry lying around and dirty dishes in the sink, screaming to cover the music, of course. Pointed stares and regular "shut up" don't do anything; she'll still be rambling when the roadies remove the last cables.
As the kids say: IDC, f*ck!
#2: The Goliath
There are tall people.
Big ones too.
He's tall and big, the worst kind.
So, no one says anything when he puts his girlfriend on his shoulders.
Fear, maybe...
#1: The Mobile Coppolas
Taking photos, normal, you still have to let people know that for once you weren't in front of Netflix #nofilter #instamoment.
Taking a few videos here and there, okay, we don't know why since we never watch them, but it's a memory.
Filming the entire concert with an outstretched arm, however, deserves hard prison time: not only is it useless given the quality of the framing and sound, but above all it causes a quasi-Pavlovian reflex in others to look at the image on the phone instead of looking at the stage. And that's not what we paid a small fortune for our ticket, is it?
